2016 is turning out to be one eventful year. With the demise of the MDC we all thought that politics would become stale and boring but Zanu PF has managed to find a new opposition: Itself. And they’re going at themselves with – wait for that Zimbabwean journalistic gem – reckless abandon. Yes factionalism is all the rage once again thanks to Emmerson Mnangagwa and Grace Mugabe. Gone are the old school grocery-list type factional names of 2014 of Gamatox and Mazoe. Enter the brand new swagged out factional names that sound like they are something out of either New York Fashion Week or 50 Cent’s entourage. Welcome Team Lacoste and G40. Because Zanu PF may not ensure that its economic policies are up to date but they damn straight that their factional wars sounds like Kanye West’s crew just picked a fight with Kendrick Lamar’s peoples.
Another wonderful thing about the new factional wars are the tools being used. The old battle ground of the ‘70s was the bush with all sorts of shady characters. The new battle ground is twitter with just 140 characters. Twitter, Whatsapp and the Herald are all being used as tools in the succession battle. Minister of Higher and Tertiary Education Jonathan Moyo has set himself up as one of the leading generals in this new hashtagged guerilla warfare running twitter like he used to run the Herald. Moyo blasts out tweets faster than the UZ prints PHDs lashing out at factional rival Chris Mutsvangwa as a ‘petticoat thief’ and ‘playing Rambo in the newspapers’. Not event Whatsapp is spared as mainstream newspapers report of certain factional Whatsapp messages ‘going viral’ – whatever the hell that means.
Jargon is also always a dynamic and evolving thing in the ruling party’s internal fights. This here fight is no different. Popular insults that get thrown around at the moment are ‘successionists’, ‘factionalists’ and ‘splitists’. Once again we have popularised a word that doesn’t exist with the word ‘successionists’. Actually if one had a glance at the dictionary you would realize the word is ‘secessionists’ – as in those who want to break away. But no we are Zimbabwean and we have the sovereign right to create our own words! After all we are the same country that created a word by dipping into the bible taking a name and turning it into a word: ‘nicodemously’. Bob’s press secretary, the ever-wordy George Charamba, recently outdid himself by actually using both words in the same interview in the Herald. “There are many sinister minds who speak in the name of the president who are in fact successionists.. Some have been meeting nicodemously with People First but they are still in ZANU PF.” I mean with poets like that who needs comedians?
Now we have the emergence of the Save Zanu PF Campaign who are valiantly trying to save Zanu PF from itself. They are on a very specific mission to “save the party from thieves, gays and sell-outs.” Meanwhile Saviour ‘Tyson’ Kasukuwere is suspending regional chairpersons and the War Vets are beefing with the Youth League. So comrades and friends, expect more sensational headlines, increased twitter spats, some amazing new jargon and not too much water or electricity.