Zimbabwe finally has something new and groundbreaking to offer to the world. It’s a brand new invention. We call it: The Faction. We’ve been working on it and perfecting it for years in our political circles but we believe the formula has finally matured and come to fruition.
The Faction has become so popular that it has spread to all mainstream political parties and even civil society. Next stop: primary schools, sports clubs and the ice cream industry. (Although Dairy Board and Lyons Maid do seem to have successfully formed into rival factions of their own accord.)
The Faction is a fascinating political phenomenon that has multiple benefits. It gets citizens talking so much about ‘factionalism’ that they forget there are other unimportant things like the economy and your child’s education. The Faction also has various benefits such as allowing people who don’t like other people to democratically join with the people they dislike the least to fight the people they hate the most. The trick is to call the others a faction before they call you a faction. Its kind of like a primary school, name-calling game only much more mature. And you get to use words like ‘plotters’, ‘conspirators’ and ‘coup’ – all really fun words that you never got to use on the playground.
Another major benefit of being part of a Faction is that you get to do grown-up things like choose a symbol for your Faction. The ruling party ZANU (PF)’s symbols of choice are items from grocery lists (such as orange juice and insecticides). Meanwhile the former opposition MDC prefers the very democratic tradition of naming factions after their leaders surnames.
Politicians from across the divide have also fallen in love with The Faction for another reason: once you’re part of a Faction you don’t have to talk policy which is perfect for our politicians who have no coherent ideology whatsoever. And that’s the great thing: with The Faction you don’t need to have emancipatory policies that will redistribute wealth, empower citizens and create social justice. You can just be the bourgeois political parties you always wanted to be and fight each other for plain old political power. Problem solved.
Traditionally in Zimbabwe we have launched political parties with two factions already built-in (Third faction is optional but still quite popular). However due to the success of the factional experiment in 2014 Zimbabwe is set to launch a new form of political party to the world: it’s the stand alone, fully fledged Faction. Why bother setting up a political party that will break into factions a few years down the line? Then you have to fight over who owns which cars and which colour you really like. By launching a Faction you will be light years ahead of your opposition, you will have no need for any real ideology and can start fighting immediately for State House. Think succession politics in fast-forward!
Our home-grown Faction concept is proving so popular internationally that government is set to trademark it and export it over the next few months. There is already huge interest from Cosatu in South Africa, the Conservatives in the UK and the Tea Party in the USA. It is believed that The Faction will be a major foreign currency earner and will soon overtake tobacco, diamond smuggling and tourism. All of this is great news for our economy and our people. The Faction is the Economy! The Economy is the Faction! So look out for The Faction: coming soon to a sports club near you!
The Faction has become so popular that it has spread to all mainstream political parties and even civil society. Next stop: primary schools, sports clubs and the ice cream industry. (Although Dairy Board and Lyons Maid do seem to have successfully formed into rival factions of their own accord.)
The Faction is a fascinating political phenomenon that has multiple benefits. It gets citizens talking so much about ‘factionalism’ that they forget there are other unimportant things like the economy and your child’s education. The Faction also has various benefits such as allowing people who don’t like other people to democratically join with the people they dislike the least to fight the people they hate the most. The trick is to call the others a faction before they call you a faction. Its kind of like a primary school, name-calling game only much more mature. And you get to use words like ‘plotters’, ‘conspirators’ and ‘coup’ – all really fun words that you never got to use on the playground.
Another major benefit of being part of a Faction is that you get to do grown-up things like choose a symbol for your Faction. The ruling party ZANU (PF)’s symbols of choice are items from grocery lists (such as orange juice and insecticides). Meanwhile the former opposition MDC prefers the very democratic tradition of naming factions after their leaders surnames.
Politicians from across the divide have also fallen in love with The Faction for another reason: once you’re part of a Faction you don’t have to talk policy which is perfect for our politicians who have no coherent ideology whatsoever. And that’s the great thing: with The Faction you don’t need to have emancipatory policies that will redistribute wealth, empower citizens and create social justice. You can just be the bourgeois political parties you always wanted to be and fight each other for plain old political power. Problem solved.
Traditionally in Zimbabwe we have launched political parties with two factions already built-in (Third faction is optional but still quite popular). However due to the success of the factional experiment in 2014 Zimbabwe is set to launch a new form of political party to the world: it’s the stand alone, fully fledged Faction. Why bother setting up a political party that will break into factions a few years down the line? Then you have to fight over who owns which cars and which colour you really like. By launching a Faction you will be light years ahead of your opposition, you will have no need for any real ideology and can start fighting immediately for State House. Think succession politics in fast-forward!
Our home-grown Faction concept is proving so popular internationally that government is set to trademark it and export it over the next few months. There is already huge interest from Cosatu in South Africa, the Conservatives in the UK and the Tea Party in the USA. It is believed that The Faction will be a major foreign currency earner and will soon overtake tobacco, diamond smuggling and tourism. All of this is great news for our economy and our people. The Faction is the Economy! The Economy is the Faction! So look out for The Faction: coming soon to a sports club near you!